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13 de junio de 2011

US Economy Rebounds Thanks to Boost in Sales of Down-To-Earth Crap

pre garbaged

Conan Revilla – Scranton, Pennsylvania

THE US ECONOMY PULLED OUT of a dangerous rough patch in the summer thanks largely to a boost in sales of pre-garbaged goods, a new consumer trend that prompts buyers to dump a purchase directly into the non-recyclable bin right out of the trunk of the car.

“Down to Earth crap did extremely well during the third quarter, both in-store and online”, says Walmart CEO Mike Duke, whose 3,800 stores across the country grossed over $18 billion in sales of neatly bagged faulty electronic devices, water-damaged furniture and rotten perishables.

“The consumer has seized on the opportunity of loading up with really voluminous and heavy stuff for less than ten bucks”, said Sears Chairman, Edward Lampert. “It’s just a feel-good purchase”.

“It makes a lot of sense specially if you don’t have a lot of spare room around the house”, says Patricia Greenberger at a mall near Baton Rouge, Louisiana, who admits to spending “quite a bit” on these unusable items. “I always buy things which after a while become an old fashioned nuisance”, she says. “Down to Earth crap never gets old, because you just dump the fucking thing right away”.

“I’d never bought so much of anything at once”, says Monica Carter in Gloversville, New York, as she loads her SUV with colorful and glossy packages of recalled eggs. “These are a little more expensive because they come in bright colors”, said Ms. Carter. “I have bought these to give out as presents, but I’m already feeling tempted to dump them myself”.

Parcel delivery and private sanitation operations benefited from the boost in sales of ready-to-dump goods, and reported an average 13% increase in their quarterly EBIDTA. The stock of the three main manufacturers of down to earth crap rose sharply yesterday as a bad breath of massive earnings reached the street.