Gúlliver Espronceda - Cape Ann, Massachusetts
THE PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT earned a Massachusetts man a well-deserved reputation as a hard-to-bear asshole, waxed charming as he was being put to rest yesterday, two days after the son-of-a-bitch’s tragic death.
The friends’ and relatives’ bitter memories of the motherfucker, who gathered in Wellesley Memorial Cemetery to honor his obnoxious presence on this world, turned miraculously endearing.
“He was a character”, sighed former roommate Sal LaPointe, 36, who never got back a $550 loan from the annoying prick. “I just can’t believe he is not with us anymore”.
Unbeknownst to the fucking asshole’s arrogance and aloof demeanor, the priest referred to him as “basically a giving man who never hesitated to help those in need”. The cleric’s half-assed eulogy would have elicited chuckles prior to the jerk falling hard to e.coli poisoning —but it was instead met with nods of agreement and pressed lips.
The coworkers of the lazy-ass piece-of-shit stood in silence during the service, as none were able to recollect a suitable memento of an unremarkable man whose only talent had been an uncanny ability to annoy the crap of everyone around him.
As clouds gathered ominously over the sky and the rumbling of thunder rolled beyond the hills, no one questioned why such a despicable specimen was ever allowed to come into this world —in fact everyone seemed to grieve the now-deceased fuck.
“He had a unique sense of humor”, said former girlfriend Sue Webber, who dropped the jerk after a seven year tour de force relationship with the good-for-nothing creep whose sarcastic remarks made her wish he was dead an average of twelve times a day. “He would always challenge you to become a better person”.