Tom Sergeant - Appomattox, Virginia
US PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA announced yesterday a plan to send more than ten thousand freed white American mullets to France. "The dream of return will finally come true for many white-trash Americans after a centuries-long struggle in the Appalachian wilderness and elsewhere", said Mr. Obama in a landmark address to the nation.
While many free hillbillies wish to return to France themselves, there is a strong lobby of African-American business and religious leaders promoting their shipment across the Atlantic.
Rev. Tyrone Jefferson (56), who owns a chain of grocery stores along the Appomattox valley, Virginia, argued that freed mullets would only entice others to leave their masters. “Revolt is a word no one wants to hear around here”, said Mr. Jefferson. “So, yes, perhaps it would be best to send them to Brittany or something”.
Mr. Obama’s speech sought to both appease the fears of black owners, and to open the abolitionist debate. “It is time that we as a nation lend a hand to these fair-skinned lowlifes who never quite knew why they left Bordeaux in the first place”, the President said. “Now, the time has come for those who freely chose to return to France, where they shall have a better chance to become their own people”.
After expressing a “profound sense of historic responsibility” for the two million strong population of white dumb-looking ignorami, Mr. Obama said he would request funds from Congress to facilitate an initial rendezvous in Marseilles of five hundred trailer-homers with Catherine Deneuve.